Until exhausted, close our eyelids

It’s been eleven months since my last serious relationship. I don’t know whether I’m overdue for a new one or not, but I’m definitely interested in pursuing one right now. Though I’m not sure how the other person would feel about it, as we’ve never really discussed that topic in-depth before.

But regardless, I’m so happy. I know it sounds really cheesy, but lately talking to Mark is what I look forward to through my day, and then I look forward to the chance of plans with him over the weekend. It’s been eleven months since I truly wanted to dedicate any thing towards another person be it my admiration, respect or affection, and I’m happy that I can feel this towards Mark. Not because I think he’s a fantastic person, but because I think he deserves the world–yeah yeah, that’s pretty cheesy, but I’m serious.

It’s now November and I’ve been talking to Mark since September and things are still going great. I’ve also grown accustomed to talking to him through my day, and then the possibility of hanging out on the weekend. I like that I can look forward to something as simple as conversing with him, because I know that it’ll make my day that much better. It’s knowing that someone that I’m attracted to, is quite possibly attracted to me as well. Albeit I’m not sure how he feels in regards to something more, but I haven’t asked. Part of me is too scared to hear any answer, and the other one doesn’t want to make him feel as if though I’m pressuring him.

I say that because of what he’s told me about his status with relationships. I don’t want to ruin this at all, so I’m trying to keep it at a steady pace–something I’ve never been good at with relationships. Part of me wants to scream in frustration at the idea of waiting, but the other part of me thinks that it’s a perfect idea, because it makes it feel like it’s worth the wait. I don’t want to be “that girl that was too fast.” I want it to feel just right for either parties. God, I seriously sound like I know exactly what he whats, but I can only hope that with how things feel like they’re going, they’d only look up from here.

There’s so much I want to say, but I hold back because I don’t want to look like an idiot if I make him feel uncomfortable. I guess that’s why I’m writing this here, because I know he’s seen this website before, so I think that maybe if he “stumbles” across a journal entry, it’ll seem less invasive. I admit that in February and March there were two people I casually dated and completely fucked over (in regards to ending the relationship poorly.) But I also think that it was because I was so “fresh” out of a relationship that I still wanted my ex-boyfriend.

With Mark, I actually like that we’re friends, but a little bit more then friends in terms of how we communicate and physically act around each other. As with anyone I truly like, I want them to know that I think highly of them, that I admire them, and think that they’re the best. That’s how I’m starting to feel right now with Mark. I want him to be happy with his life, and for him to know that he’s appreciated, and wanted.

Sunday night, he kissed me. I wasn’t expecting it because of a conversation we had previously had on the topic. He wanted to wait until it felt right for him, because it meant something to him. When he kissed me that night, I forgot to breath. Part of it was because I was shocked (in the best way possible!), another because it had been so long since I had a kiss that meant a lot to me, and because I was elated. Here I was, cuddling with someone I truly liked, who decided to kiss me. It also didn’t help that his lips are pretty soft 😛

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say with this entry, because it’s one giant glob of words that I can’t seem to organize into neat little thoughts. All I know is that I hope things will continue to climb as they have since September. I like that I’m happy, that talking to him and being around him make me feel amazing. Hopefully he feels that way too. Because at this point, my feelings are a bit stronger which would make anything less then what I hope for, to be disappointing and upsetting.